The Difference a Year Makes

Cold, unfeeling, clinical. That would describe my spiritual walk from late 2006 to mid 2010. I wanted God on my level. My life showed it too. I was uninvolved in church. My young marriage was stunningly stagnant. I lost touch with more people than I kept up with. I found myself unnecessarily dark and cynical. For a guy who was recently married, claimed to know the Savior and maintained a overpaying, albeit unnecessarily stressful, job, I was bitching way too much.

Then I made quite possibly the stupidest decision of my life. I quit my job without any kind of safety net outside of my savings.

The first month was absolute freedom, something I'd never felt before. The kind of freedom that I imagine I would feel if falling from a great height or floating adrift in a small craft in the Pacific. Rachel and I did what we wanted when we wanted. We spent time with friends, we went to Orlando(Magical World of Harry Potter is the best thing ever, Period.), we visited Family, we facilitated holidays at our house and others.

Like the feeling of falling, it ended and I began to see my fate. My tiny boat in the big ocean took on water. I again got stagnant, stale, cold, and bitter. Contentment, it seemed, was unable to be grasped. Somehow my expectations were never met, whether I was employed and working 50-60 hour weeks while taking classes or if I was unemployed and taking a minimal class load.

This is the part where I realized something was missing, but I hate to say it that way because it feels far too much like a crappy Christian novel. Like most cliches, however, there is truth to that sentiment. I was missing something. Fortunate for me and my bride, we knew what we needed, but It wasn't that easy.

We knew we needed to go to church. We knew we needed regular attendance and involvement with a body of believers, but it wasn't what we wanted. We wanted to be a part of a new breed of church(yea we're those people); we wanted a community to form and a Bible Study to start. We wanted to take the friends we maintained and turn them into our local body. We didn't want the regimented, calculated, board approved business that the church looks like today. We just couldn't get our friends on board. Everyone was happy in their herd of sheeple. They wanted to check the box and be a Christian that week.

Rachel and I broke and began attending a church. We weren't happy(and still aren't thrilled) with the system, but it is, undeniably, the body that represents Christ where we are. Not only that, but North Wake is truly doing wonderful things in the community and abroad. They certainly are doing more than Rachel and I were doing on our own.

Step two, we joined a small group; this was more what we were talking about. God showed us that accountability and relationship is available to us, we just have to get our hands dirty and do it. A month later we began fostering relationships with people we would have met otherwise. I met a group of men who struggle like I do. I met weekly with people who want what I want: community and Christ.

Problems don't go away just because you attend church though. We were still barely employed(Rachel and I picked up shifts a local high-end restaurant) and the bills don't stop coming. A new well pump, some tires, and some medical bills later, we were really feeling the strain. Still able to pay bills for several months without income, I wasn't immediately stressed, but I didn't want to give up my comfortable lifestyle and little rainy day fund.

We began praying for job opportunities. We prayed earnestly that God would provide something for us so that we could work together, as we always have. We got more and more pleading; we brought it before our small group, our friends, and random strangers(you never know who you'll meet). We prayed, finally, that God provide something that only He could and that we would give it over to Him instead of making it our own.

A month and a half ago a woman in our small group mentioned a job opening for a Marketing and Events Director where she worked. Naturally, Rachel and I were interested. Unfortunately the pay wasn't all that good and horrifically, we would never be able to work together if I took this job.

I took the job on a trial basis. We're working to see if it will be worth it in the long run. It's hard getting used to not being around Rachel most of the day. Heartbreaking in a way. As soon as I start getting whiny though, Paul won't shut up. All the illustrations of contentment that he brings up in the fourth chapter of Philippians start infiltrating my thoughts and I can't help but feel foolish. God obviously gave us this job, maybe not for a long fix, but for now. In this moment of His provision, perhaps I should feel thankfulness and contentment instead of selfishness and resentment.

I'm not on board the mega-church train, I actively remove "Christianese" from my vernacular. I buck convention for no reason other than to ask "why?". I do everything I can to incorporate my small group into my friends group. I never attend church business meetings. While all of that is true, my life has still been changed by being a part of a church body. Even though it is imperfect, even though it isn't what I want, even though I cringe at the thought of a church having a fiscal year, God is active and living in His churches. It was about time I realized it.

New Stuff

I got a job. Alas, Funemployment has ended and I am called to make monies and such. Pretty awesome job though. It doesn't pay the best, but I'm doing a little web design, some marketing and some sales. Fairly cool skill set to be picking up. Who knows what I'll use that for in the future, but I'm sure I will use it.

Things aren't all gravy though. This is the first time since I started dating Rachel that we aren't working together. I'm not a fan so far(day 1) of being so long away from my wife. I just want to be around her more. I just want to see her more. It hurts to think about spending 40 hours per week away from her. Now more than ever, we need God's faithfulness, strength and joy to give us solace... but maybe that's the point.

Tomorrow is day two. Let us hope that it is as interesting as the first.

The Magnitude of $1,600

Having just replaced my well pump for the fashionable price of $1,600, I appreciate how much it really is. With $1,600 I could have bought a sizable above ground swimming pool. The money could have been put towards the principle of my mortgage thus reducing the amount of interest I pay by $300 a year. I could have had my master and guest bathrooms tiled and finished. I could have bought 3 iPhone 4's, 300 $5 Boxes from Taco Bell, 7 XBox 360's, or even a second honeymoon.

These things would have all enriched my life in one way or another. Through progressing my house, enriching my marriage, increasing my ability to communicate, or just sustaining my body they would have helped me in some way, though some more than others. Several piloting lessons, near innumerable hours of entertainment, or a solid cruise were all possibilities. Those plans were not to be, however, because all of these things share something. All of these possible uses for $1600 are frivolous when compared to the need for running water. At the end of the day, I'm always going to spend the $1,600 on the very thing that separates me from the third world...

God Be Smarter Than I Is

I took 3.5 hours today and gave them to silent meditation on scripture and the state of my soul in God's eyes. Given the fight Rachel and I just had and the resulting conversations, I assumed that my extended prayer/silence time would center around the idea of gender roles, leadership, Godly husbandship and patience. Turns out that God had other plans. I followed a series of scriptures given to me by my small group leader and read a chapter in "Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands"(author is from Scranton, PA, awesome) and spent the rest of the time journaling and in meditative silence.

Almost every scripture I read, the chapter I read, and the nagging of my heart pointed to an entirely different focus than I expected. I learned more about following Christ, my servanthood and God's sovereignty than anything close to being a leader. To be fair, the irony is not lost on me. My focus to be a good leader should have been on becoming a better servant. My efforts to be a better husband should have led me to being a better Christian. Then again, hindsight is 20/20. God is good in His revelation and in His timing. I hope to make this practice of several hours of silence, meditation, and journaling a more regular instance.

God is greater than I'll ever be. His plans are far superior to anything I can imagine. The story of His grace, forgiveness, love, and patience throughout history trumps every plot ever conceived by mankind. The beauty of all of these facts is that as a follow of Christ, I can take comfort in them. I don't have to be frightened or worried or stressed because if God is for me, who can stand against me? If He takes care of the birds of the air and the flowers of the field, how much more will He care for me? In the end of days, God will call all unto judgment. He is my rock; He is my fortress. When I can't, He can. Praise be to God for His sovereignty, even when things don't go my way...

Beautiful Agony

Rachel and I had an amazing fight. We both hurt each other quite badly. She questioned my abilities as a leader; I noted her inability to commit. Tears were shed. There wasn't a whole lot of yelling, but the tense atmosphere was more than enough to show how much was coming to light in this particular fight.

It is fights like these that remind me of how much I love Rachel. She does her best to hold me to God's standards and I can't help but thank her for it. In spite of my feelings and pride being bruised, I love the accountability.

Towards the end, we both deemed it necessary to be better people, better spouses, and better followers of Christ. God's use of my wife to build me up in times of need and to tear me down in humility is probably the greatest aspect of marriage you never expect.

As we move forward, I hope God continues to show me how to lead as I should. I hate fighting, but if this is the result, this loving, tender reminder that we can do no better than to imitate our savior, I'm in... all day, everyday, I'll do it. Though, I would prefer to not have to fight every time... maybe some more gentle reminders... like book reading... or song singing... morning breath kisses...

Today is the Day

Caught up with all the friends today. After seeing some long lost friends over the weekend, it was kind of nice to see the common faces. Sermon about the two responses to the gospel(that it is foolish or that it is the ultimate wisdom) straight from 1 Corinthians 1. No Trotter for us today; Noah Joiner stepped into the role. I always lean towards Trotter, but I have been surprised before. Noah didn't disappoint or anything, but he wasn't amazing. Seemed more nervous than I anticipated him being. Solid message though. He has a great story(read: pot head comes to Christ); he illustrated the passage well. In his nervousness he made some near heretical statements. It happens, no biggie. Unless he means them; maybe I should ask around and determine whether he is a heretic. Friends came over; lunch is delicious. Rachel and I go out of our way to host people. I'm not bitter, truly, but I wonder if anyone would ever offer the same to us. My most notable heartache is that I get so caught up in myself and the things I do. More important are that I do things for God's glory. I'm pretty sure it would be better for me to not do anything than to do good things out of a desire for positive response.

Got to hang out with Sarah, my sister in law. It is an interesting and unique dynamic for me. Lots of fun and catching up from not seeing her for a couple of weeks.

Had a rerun of the Sashimi Tuna today, delicious.

Hope Aaron and Allison are having fun. They made a very cute and fun couple. Excellent ceremony; I wouldn't have changed anything. It was perfectly beautiful and quaint. I hope nothing threw them off on their day.

I'm done with weddings for a while... lots of drinking to follow....